What do we do when the voice in our head is yelling that WE ARE NEVER GONNA MAKE IT? How do we drag ourselves through the muck when our brain is telling us youaredumbandyouwillneverfinishandnoonecaresanditstimeyoustop? … You do it because the doing of it is the thing.
I’ve taken some time away from the blog life to pursue a little bit of camera work. It has been fun and seems to be getting a positive response so I’m sticking with it for now. Hence, my absence! It seems all my free time lately (not that there is much of that…) is filled with taking pictures. I will be back, whether to rant or to share more work, so stay tuned!
It’s nearing the end of March and all I can be reminded of is the impending graduation in May. This week it has really begun to sink in that I only have one more month in this town, on this campus, in this state with my friends and people whom I consider family. I have gone almost four years without living the stereotypical college lifestyle but last night I gave it a shot and while the decisions that were made were a far cry from some of my best, I had an amazing time with some of the greatest people I know.
Anyone that knows me in the slightest is aware that I typically am not a drinker and went over four years without the slightest touch of alcohol or any type of drug passing through my system (drugs are still a poor decision, do not recommend). Definitely an unpopular opinion amongst people my age but it just really isn’t a lifestyle that pulls me in. I am not someone who supports reckless behavior or drunk driving or focusing all of ones attention on being belligerently under the influence of any substance. I feel sad when I see people sacrificing their potential for the thrill of the party.
But that is a personal decision for each individual and just as I hated people who judged me for not partying, it would be wrong to judge those who live for it. This also goes for the judgment I’ve felt for my decision to try out this college lifestyle briefly as I realize its now or never to have this experience.
I blame it all on spring break and Beyonce.
That’s a joke, kind of…
But in all honesty, while I admit staying out till 3am on a Wednesday night when you know you have two finals at 9am Thursday morning is NOT a valid decision, I think I would probably do it just once more in my lifetime. To those of you who can do this weekly, I give you a lot of credit.
Waking up this morning was god-awful. Sitting in class preparing to take a final with 10+ other students who made the same decision as I did was partly hilarious and partly regrettable. When I finally made it to the third floor, where my class was, at the horrific hour of 9am, and was asked, “Hey, how late did you stay up studying?” I just looked around at the rest of the shame-baron faces I recognized from the previous night and tried my hardest to hold back laughter.
(Hi mom, don’t worry… I did well on the exam! ☺ ).
We’re only young once, right? I’ve waited till the final month of my college career to have fun and stay out till the sun comes up and maybe get a little too wild on a weeknight but I know that I will never forget these memories and these people I am sharing them with. I would hate to look back and regret not trying it and not having a little bit of fun while I had the chance.
This only reminds me more that I am leaving soon. Shout out to my best friend, Laura, who I am going to miss more than anything about this place. She has become an extension of me. There is absolutely zero filter in our relationship. We have grown so close just in these past few months that I now feel withdrawal symptoms if I go more than 10 hours without seeing her. She is the friend that walks into your house unannounced, lets your dogs outside, and helps herself to a glass of wine while she watches TV on your couch then falls asleep in your guest bedroom that is now deemed “hers” and through all of this… exchanging of words: optional. I love her like I do my family.
(And I demand she move to Connecticut after she graduates or my heart will break)
Also, I made it to the BP finals before I was forced to forfeit because my partner bailed on me.
IM STILL MAD ABOUT IT.
Anyway, I feel it necessary to establish that I am still the same mostly-boring and responsible me. So spare the judgement while I enjoy the ending of my college career with a little bit of fun.
How am I graduating in just over a month? I have such mixed emotions while I sit on my couch, officially designating myself “sick and useless” for the night, watching documentaries on human rights and conflict for the umpteenth day in a row, and browsing course catalogs for a potential continued education in a field that actually interests me.
This past week has been… interesting. I’ve questioned the path I’m on and the decisions I am making that could potentially alter my future. I’ve been here before but as time goes on it just becomes this stronger and more powerful force that is harder and harder to shove into the corner. I’ve worked for years to build a strong resume, get good grades, score a top-notch job offer… all of which I have done. Success! That feeling of accomplishment is wonderful but it seems that it only lasts a few minutes before the value in those accomplishments diminishes these days..
(To be clear, I am more than thankful for the opportunities I have been given and I know that some people would sacrifice a lot to be in my position at times and I hope I don’t come off as ungrateful when I turn away from these opportunities but I have this undeniable intuition that I have decided [for the most part] to listen to and that is just the plain and simple truth).
This week I have questioned why I have chosen to separate my passions from my work. Why did I choose a career that held no significant meaning to me? Because it simply will pay the bills?
I determined that the blame lay with my lack of self-confidence and putting risk aside for the comfort of ease. Pursuing the things I love and enjoy would have been hard and uncertain so I went with something I knew would be reliable.
It’s sad, honestly.
There are so many things I wish I could be doing. Maybe I will take that leap of faith. College grad on a path of success goes rogue.
I imagine that I could be sitting in a classroom, or maybe somewhere even more interesting than that, having an informed and passionate conversation about relevant and important things going on in the world but instead I’m struggling not to fall asleep and getting by with little effort or care.
So I’m just going to do it on my own, now. Figure out a way, and just do whatever the hell I want. Whatever the hell might bring a little bit more happiness and sense of completion to my life. When your intuition tells you something, sometimes you just have to go with it.
So while I lay here and watch my documentaries, I realize I have learned more about the world this week and a glimpse of its social corruption and it has only succeeded in strengthening this need of mine to bear witness to it and share it with other people.
I have this unrealistic need to immerse myself into a certain topic until I understand all I can about it. My ever-growing list of “languages to be learned” is evidence that that applies as well to cultures and people. I realize I’m ignorant on almost anything in this world. I think everyone usually is. It is impossible to know and understand everything, especially when it comes to social, cultural, and political issues. It is even more impossible to understand these things when you are not there experiencing it first hand. I want to be able to experience a culture in depth and on its ground level. I want to see things for what they are… not what they are portrayed to be. I sit here and watch news programs and documentaries showing gruesome attacks and conflicts and revolutionaries fighting their oppression and in turn being run over by tanks from their own army and I cannot help but be reminded that these are just the things that I am allowed to see.
The world is corrupt in so many places and in so many ways but Im convinced there is still a lot of beauty in it behind the gruesomeness and the hostility.
While I type this and my thoughts scatter and I see myself rambling on about this, that, and the other thing, I have to cut myself off. I have to remind myself of my ignorance.. my lack of worldly expertise and experience… the reality is, I am just a twenty-something year old college student studying accounting and shooting for a well paying 9-5 job to pay my bills… right?
Who am I to have an opinion?
I have abandoned this precious site for over two weeks now but I promise I did not forget it!
These past few weeks have been so hectic. I had spring break last week on the East coast but otherwise life has just been simply all over the place. Selling a house with 4 dogs, a part time job, and an overloaded school schedule is really starting to get to me. When you throw in an absolutely fantastic spring break, senioritis is also at an all time high and I am more than ready to graduate and be done.
Im going to skip out a little bit on the writing for now and just share several pictures of the past 2-3 weeks and save the opinionated blabber for another time. Enjoy!
Aside from spring break and our trip to New York (1/10 of which was actually depicted, of course) I’ve been playing around with other skin & beauty products.
If you have not yet heard of #Frank body scrub then you are really missing out. I was originally skeptical and thought this was just the new product people were obsessing over this week *blah, blah, blah*…. But, boy, was I wrong! This stuff is the real deal. My skin has honestly never felt so soft and healthy after a skin treatment. You can use it on your face or all over. It helps with several major skin issues or just for general skin maintanence. Plus, their marketing is top notch. The packaging alone will crack you up and convince you to use the product and share it with the world. It’s all about that #FrankEffect. Check them out on any and all of your social media platforms (Especially Instagram, where that hashtag is linked to thousands of beautiful bare people coffered in coffee grinds). Highly Recommend!
You don’t get taken seriously by asking someone to take you seriously. You’ve got to show up and own it.
- Attend school full-time
- Care for four crazy dogs
- Maintain my house
- Sell my house
- Pay off debt
- Exercise?! (ha, just kidding)
- Do everything on my own and by myself
- Somehow manage to work wherever I can squeeze it in.
As a young twenty-something year old that is quite a bit I have on my plate and it eventually takes a toll on a person. Naturally, I cherish my moments of relaxation. When I think about it, I can’t help but laugh a little bit because when I do manage to relax and unwind, I’m often yelling at myself on the inside for being so super-duper lazy….
So I have a few traditional things that I do to relax and unwind. First and foremost, Netflix, a movie, or catching up on my go-to TV shows. Next option is a steaming hot bath paired with candles, a book, and dim lighting. Third option (which should really just be filed under the imagination category) is a good solid uninterrupted nap. That uninterrupted part is an extreme rarity when you have four large, young, high-energy dogs living under your roof (but i love um!). No matter which option I pick, I’m usually pairing it with some sort of skin care and personal spa-like treatments (if I can find the time).
Recently, I discovered Weleda Skin Food and it has been an absolutely amazing asset during these winter months and the inevitable dry skin that accompanies them.
Now I am a survivor of horrible skin and scarring acne so I am always trying to find new and better-quality products that won’t harm or irritate my skin or promote break-outs. I have been using Weleda skin food (which is an all-over lotion) on my face for about a week now and I am in love! My skin feels rich and supple and I have even been using it for an under-eye cream at night to help with the undeniable dark circles and bags that have just made themselves comfortable as a part of my life.
This stuff is packed with great ingredients like oils from Sunflower Seed and Rosemary, Almond oil, Beeswax, and most importantly, Chamomile. It has a relatively strong citrus-y smell but I think it’s wonderful, personally, and if I read correctly it is just because of the natural herby ingredients in this miracle potion!
I have had no complaints other than the fact that it can be a bit oily but that is only if you are using far too much product. A little goes a very long way with this stuff. I’ve used it as a night cream and even under my makeup during the day just allowing it time to soak in. I love every bit of it with extra emphasis on the healthy glow it gives my problematic skin.
Best part is, this miracle-in-a-tube is only $14.
Check it out here .
And while you do that I will be enjoying these five-minute of quite time before I hit the hay and prepare for another crazy day of to-do lists.