Foregone Memories

I feel as if I should explain the recent events that got me to this position and have contributed to my growth as a person in the past few months of life.

I could subtly build up to it but I think ill just jump right in.

I was in a long-term, increasingly toxic, relationship with a stranger who happened to share a bedroom with me. I think that’s the most accurate way to sum up how I felt the last few months of it. Especially now, looking back, it was so utterly obvious how internally corrupt the relationship was and how hard I was holding onto what it used to be. The reality is, he couldn’t be that person for me anymore and I could no longer be that for him.

People change. That’s just the way the world works. And I think it should be embraced, honestly. In a relationship, both people are supposed to be supportive and encourage growth and adapt as each person changes over the years. When change happens so rapidly and communication fails and walls are put up it is impossible to make that system function. Corruption.

While I was in the relationship I thought completely and utterly that I was in love. Truthfully, it wasn’t “bad” by any means it just wasn’t “good”, at least not at the end. I realize now how much more I deserve and all the unfortunate things I put up with that no one deserves. I was fighting for attention and he was fighting for adventure and thrill and not the life of house chores and a daily routine and the same exhausted girlfriend greeting him at the front door.

I hope any person that is in a relationship where they can relate to this will step back and reevaluate how they see the next few years of their life panning out. I was holding on so hard to the concept of what my partner used to believe in and used to be. But that person was long gone. I had grown and matured and I wanted more than what he could give me. I don’t think he was prepared to grow up the way that I was. And that’s fine. Just not for me or my future.

I was waiting around and compromising and replacing happiness with insecurity and inadequacy. I was doing whatever I thought I was “supposed to do” to make my partner happy when in reality they no longer had an interest in returning that feeling to me. I accepted it and stuck around even when he told me he no longer thought marriage was important when I should have realized it just meant he no longer wanted to marry me.

I was naïve.

But I think we all have to be in at least one relationship where we let ourselves be naïve and fight and be exhausted. I can only imagine it will make me appreciate my next relationship more.

So now I’m here ranting all my grievances to you, friends and strangers. Life is looking up. I’m no longer stuck under a cloud of inferiority.  I’m embracing whatever comes my way both in life and love! All I am sure of in this life is that I have the best group of friends and family by my side and with them I can accomplish anything.

Most of all, happiness.

xoxo
Monica

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One thought on “Foregone Memories

  1. Isilda says:

    you are an amazing strong young lady. You and Jessica are so related!! Love you are so proud of you! You will come out of this a better person for seeing that you are worth of so much more!!!

    Like

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