How am I graduating in just over a month? I have such mixed emotions while I sit on my couch, officially designating myself “sick and useless” for the night, watching documentaries on human rights and conflict for the umpteenth day in a row, and browsing course catalogs for a potential continued education in a field that actually interests me.
This past week has been… interesting. I’ve questioned the path I’m on and the decisions I am making that could potentially alter my future. I’ve been here before but as time goes on it just becomes this stronger and more powerful force that is harder and harder to shove into the corner. I’ve worked for years to build a strong resume, get good grades, score a top-notch job offer… all of which I have done. Success! That feeling of accomplishment is wonderful but it seems that it only lasts a few minutes before the value in those accomplishments diminishes these days..
(To be clear, I am more than thankful for the opportunities I have been given and I know that some people would sacrifice a lot to be in my position at times and I hope I don’t come off as ungrateful when I turn away from these opportunities but I have this undeniable intuition that I have decided [for the most part] to listen to and that is just the plain and simple truth).
This week I have questioned why I have chosen to separate my passions from my work. Why did I choose a career that held no significant meaning to me? Because it simply will pay the bills?
I determined that the blame lay with my lack of self-confidence and putting risk aside for the comfort of ease. Pursuing the things I love and enjoy would have been hard and uncertain so I went with something I knew would be reliable.
It’s sad, honestly.
There are so many things I wish I could be doing. Maybe I will take that leap of faith. College grad on a path of success goes rogue.
I imagine that I could be sitting in a classroom, or maybe somewhere even more interesting than that, having an informed and passionate conversation about relevant and important things going on in the world but instead I’m struggling not to fall asleep and getting by with little effort or care.
So I’m just going to do it on my own, now. Figure out a way, and just do whatever the hell I want. Whatever the hell might bring a little bit more happiness and sense of completion to my life. When your intuition tells you something, sometimes you just have to go with it.
So while I lay here and watch my documentaries, I realize I have learned more about the world this week and a glimpse of its social corruption and it has only succeeded in strengthening this need of mine to bear witness to it and share it with other people.
I have this unrealistic need to immerse myself into a certain topic until I understand all I can about it. My ever-growing list of “languages to be learned” is evidence that that applies as well to cultures and people. I realize I’m ignorant on almost anything in this world. I think everyone usually is. It is impossible to know and understand everything, especially when it comes to social, cultural, and political issues. It is even more impossible to understand these things when you are not there experiencing it first hand. I want to be able to experience a culture in depth and on its ground level. I want to see things for what they are… not what they are portrayed to be. I sit here and watch news programs and documentaries showing gruesome attacks and conflicts and revolutionaries fighting their oppression and in turn being run over by tanks from their own army and I cannot help but be reminded that these are just the things that I am allowed to see.
The world is corrupt in so many places and in so many ways but Im convinced there is still a lot of beauty in it behind the gruesomeness and the hostility.
While I type this and my thoughts scatter and I see myself rambling on about this, that, and the other thing, I have to cut myself off. I have to remind myself of my ignorance.. my lack of worldly expertise and experience… the reality is, I am just a twenty-something year old college student studying accounting and shooting for a well paying 9-5 job to pay my bills… right?
Who am I to have an opinion?